各位家長，不知道大家有沒有想過：如果你也覺得自己的孩子在某方面表現很好，但是老師卻沒有看到他在這方面的才華，你的感受會是什麼呢？想起來多少會有些心酸吧！有些家長可能會拍拍孩子、安慰他就算了。可是這心酸的感覺，其實也代表孩子心裡「想要向上」的心情；但被這種辛酸襲擊，卻是一個很好的機會，幫孩子獲得一些成就以外的重要能力。
孩子可能這樣想：孩子以情感為思考、不以邏輯為思考
「語言」對小小孩的重要性，是發展出語言能力後，孩子才能透過語言明白自己情緒反應的意義，也才能把自己內在的情感顯示到腦袋與意識層面中。在語言能力發展之前，孩子的許多情緒反應能力是非理性的，時常會把自己的情感和某些早年發生的事件聯繫在一起；而且這種聯繫的關係，常常是「無法用言語來形容」。這種把「事件」與「情感」連結的領悟力，得要隨著語言發展增強，才能越來越提升。所以，越小的孩子，領悟自己的情感如何受到事件引發的能力越差，也導致孩子們對一些事件做出情感反應時，沒有邏輯可言。
這就是為什麼，孩子的描述、孩子的想法，好像總是比較絕對。例如，你不給我糖吃，你就是不愛我－這可不是他們在說氣話，而是孩子的情感上，真是這樣連結的。但這種缺乏邏輯的情感思考，大人在旁邊客觀地看，就知道這種論調是非常容易被「攻破」的，所以孩子才常常需要大人去引導他們思考：情感背後的邏輯究竟在哪兒？
倘若在年幼的時候，這種「情感連結事件的邏輯能力」沒能常常受到挑戰、反思與引導，孩子成年之後，就會常常墜入過去的情感事件中。比如說，我曾經遇過一個二十幾歲的年輕女性，她接受了一個專案的聘任，在某間公司工作了三年。這間公司一共五個類似的專案人員，而這位女性是年資最淺的一個。後來，專案聘任的時間快要到了，主管向上爭取到一個正式的員額，並在這五位專案人員中，依年資多寡，留下了最資深的一位員工，這位女性自然期滿離職啦！沒想到，這件事情卻引發了她憂鬱的情緒，雖然她理智上知道自己離職的理由，但情感上她還是覺得自己是因為被主管挑剔、覺得自己表現不好，所以才被請走的。
這和孩子在思考「公平」時，所用的連結方式一樣：仰賴的不是邏輯、思考和判斷，而是情感、直覺與想像。所以他們可能把自己陷入一個很深的情緒當中，卻也很容易被旁人透過邏輯、帶回現實來。這種情感邏輯的思考，就是一種「挫折容忍力」。
家長可以這樣做：了解孩子對「公平」的迷思
我們先試著站在孩子的立場，來想想他們怎麼看待「公平」這件事，你就會發現，這裡頭有很多邏輯「奇特」的地方，難怪孩子會為了公不公平，而傷心半天：
‧ 公平就等於：你對別人不能比對我好。
‧ 公平就等於：別人擁有的時候，我也應該要有。
‧ 公平就等於：我被處罰的時候，別人也應該要被處罰。
所以，要解決孩子的「情感直覺」，大人得要先發現他們的「邏輯錯誤」在哪裡。上述的幾個「公平迷思」，如果轉換另一個角度來看，也許就會這樣：
‧ 公平就等於：你對我好時，也可以對別人這樣好。
‧ 公平就等於：我擁有的時候，別人也可以擁有。
‧ 公平就等於：別人被處罰的時候，我也要想想我有沒有做錯。
除了「公平迷思」以外，我認為引發孩子情緒的更大迷思，是在於「凡事要公平」。怎麼說呢？不管是心理學的立場、還是教育的立場，我們總是強調、也深深了解：每個孩子都是獨特的。所以當「公平」這種具有社會權力的抽象議題，被孩子單純直率的腦袋拿來思考的時候，孩子們很容易扯到「我是如何被對待」上，而不會了解那背後屬於社會正義的概念。
所以我們有責任告訴孩子：你是獨特的，每個獨特的人不需要被一樣的對待。比如說，姐姐喜歡畫畫，所以媽媽買了畫筆給她；弟弟喜歡車子，所以媽媽買了模型給他－但我們可不能因為畫筆比較小、比較便宜，車子比較大、比較貴，就說這是不公平，不是嗎？
「不公平」也是挫折容忍力的開始當孩子嚷出「這不公平」的那一刻起，其實背後已經帶著競爭與比較。這是他們面對真實社會的開始，卻也是逐漸成長、面對挫折與挑戰的時刻。所以，當面臨這珍貴的一刻，對家長來說，無疑是一個很好的時機，協助孩子提升他們的「挫折容忍力」：
‧ 了解孩子的不公平感，是如何連結的：「寶貝，為什麼這會讓你覺得不公平呢？」
‧ 給予孩子適當的肯定：「寶貝，可是就算你沒有，你還是知道自己很喜歡這件事，也可以做得很好對不對？」
‧ 鼓勵孩子，如果真的想要，可以主動爭取：「寶貝，你知道嗎？如果今天爸爸、媽媽跟你一起玩球，球在媽媽手上。如果你沒有跟媽媽說：『媽媽，給我。』媽媽可能就會丟給爸爸、不一定會丟給你。所以如果你真的想要這個，你可以主動說啊！」
Parents, I don’t know if you have thought about it: If you also feel that your child is doing well in some way, but the teacher has not seen his talent in this aspect, what is your feeling? It will be a bit sad to think of it! Some parents may pat the child and comfort him. However, this sad feeling actually represents the child's "want to go up" mood; but being attacked by this bitterness is a good opportunity to help the child gain some important abilities beyond achievement.
The child may think like this: the child thinks with emotion and does not think about logic.
The importance of "language" to small children is that after developing language skills, children can understand the meaning of their emotional reactions through language, and can display their inner feelings to the head and consciousness level. Before the development of language ability, many of the child's emotional responsiveness is irrational, often linking their emotions with some of the events that occurred in the early years; and the relationship of such connections is often "cannot be described in words." This kind of comprehension of linking "events" and "emotions" must be improved as the language develops. Therefore, the smaller the child, the less able to understand how his or her emotions are triggered by events, and the less emotionally motivated the children to respond emotionally to events.
This is why the child's description and the child's thoughts seem to be absolutely absolute. For example, if you don't give me sugar, you just don't love me - it's not that they are talking, but the child's emotions are really connected. But this kind of lack of logical emotional thinking, adults look at it objectively, they know that this argument is very easy to be "broken", so children often need adults to guide them to think: Where is the logic behind emotions?
If at the young age, this "logical ability of emotional connection events" is not often challenged, reflected and guided, the child will often fall into the emotional events of the past after he reaches adulthood. For example, I have met a young woman in her twenties. She accepted a project appointment and worked in a company for three years. The company has a total of five similar project personnel, and this woman is the youngest. Later, the time for the appointment of the project was approaching, and the supervisor won a formal post. Among the five project personnel, depending on the seniority, the most senior employee was left. The woman naturally left the job! Unexpectedly, this incident triggered her melancholy mood. Although she reasonedly knew the reason for her departure, she still felt that she was asked to leave because she was picky and stressed that she was not performing well.
This is the same way that children use to think about "fairness": it is not logic, thinking and judgment, but emotion, intuition and imagination. So they may immerse themselves in a deep emotion, but they are also easily passed back to reality by others. This kind of emotional logic is a kind of "frustration tolerance."
Parents can do this: understand their children’s myths about "fairness"
Let us try to stand in the child's position and think about how they think about "fairness". You will find that there are a lot of logical "fancy" places here. It is no wonder that children will be sad for the sake of public unfairness. :
‧ Fairness is equal to: You can't be better than others to me.
‧ Fairness is equal to: I should have it when others have it.
‧ Fairness is equal to: When I am punished, others should also be punished.
Therefore, to solve the child's "emotional intuition", adults must first find out where their "logical error" is. The above-mentioned "fair myths" may be like this if you switch from another perspective:
‧ Fairness is equal to: When you are good to me, you can be as good as others.
‧ Fairness is equal to: When I have it, others can have it.
‧ Fairness is equal to: When others are punished, I also want to think about whether I have done something wrong.
Apart from "fair myths", I think that the greater myth that triggers children's emotions lies in "everything is fair." how to say? Whether it is a psychological standpoint or an educational standpoint, we always emphasize and deeply understand that every child is unique. Therefore, when the "fairness" abstract topic with social power is thought by the child's straightforward head, the children can easily find out "how do I be treated" without knowing that it belongs to social justice. the concept of.
So we have a responsibility to tell the children that you are unique and that each unique person does not need to be treated the same. For example, my sister likes to draw, so my mother bought a brush for her; my brother likes the car, so my mother bought the model for him - but we can't because the brush is smaller and cheaper, the car is bigger and more expensive, so say this It’s not fair, isn’t it?
"Unfairness" is also the beginning of frustration tolerance. When the child smashes "this is not fair," from the moment, there is competition and comparison behind it. This is the beginning of their face to the real society, but it is also the time to grow up and face setbacks and challenges. Therefore, when faced with this precious moment, it is a good time for parents to help their children to raise their "frustration tolerance":
‧ Understand how children's sense of injustice is linked: "Baby, why does this make you feel unfair?"
‧ Give the child a proper affirmation: "Baby, but even if you don't, you still know that you like it very much, you can do it well, right?"
‧ Encourage your child. If you really want it, you can take the initiative to fight for it: "Baby, do you know? If today, Dad and Mom play with you, the ball is in the hands of the mother. If you have not said to your mother: "Mom, give me "Mom may be thrown to Dad, not necessarily thrown at you. So if you really want this, you can take the initiative!"
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